Saturday, July 18, 2015

i couldn't have known and it wouldn't have mattered

I know I have given Joseph his fair share of blog-tention, and the girls may end up having blog-complexes about him being the blog-favorite, (but I am still holding out hope that they will never ever discover this e-space, so there is that). I was perusing the blog archives to see if I had potentially posted anything on this very day last year-- a favorite blog-pastime of mine-- and I this is what I found, I'll just give you the screen shot of the part I'm being all introspective about, because that's more fun:

I always love tapping into my overly emotional, nostalgic side with the blog, in fact it is one of my favorite parts of having it, and so here I go, comparing that post from this exact day last year with how things are now. Let's do a little point by point comparison:

+ Then- I was ready not to be pregnant. Now- of course now I'm already ready for another gestation (NOT pregnant that I know of)

+ Then- I was angry that I was still pregnant. Now- having very vivid memories of how hard those last weeks of pregnancy are to cool my baby feverish self

+ Then- Feeling clueless about the prospect of having a boy. Now- hoping to only ever have boys from here on out (only kind of kidding)

+ Then- Excitement over having a boy. Now- read above.

+ Then- Impatient urge for him to be here. Now- read above.

+ Then- Terror at the thought of taking care of 4. Now- I can't remember what it was like only having 3, or 2, or 1.

+ Then- Joy and gratitude at all the blessings. Now- SAME.

+ Then- Sadness that it's not just me and the girls. Now- I literally can't remember how it was before Joe. So weird.

All in all, this year has been a crazy whirlwind: his birth 3 weeks early, followed by his extended stay in the NICU, with a chaser of a scare for me in the ER, a more colicky baby then I was ready for and then being sidelined by some really rough postpartum issues-- and that was only in the first few months of his life. By the time he was 5 months old everything had done a total 180 degree turn-- he was the jolliest little guy ever, sleeping much better, and my postpartum craziness was cooling off a bit. But it's no wonder that I can't remember anything before him.

Never could I ever have anticipated all that was to come, regardless of my overly-emotional attempts and huge amounts of blog-venting. I certainly never thought it was going to be as hard for me as it was, but knowing would not have mattered because in the end I would be in the same place I am now. I would have needed to rely on our Lord and on Mike and other support systems just as much as I did. I would have come out on the other end just the same as I am now, and I would be just as in love with Joe as ever and wanting more babies even more, no matter how hard it all is.

And as for whether he would make it to his 1st birthday without being dressed up like a little lady, I will refer you to this screen shot from the Grams of him at 3.5 months old, all dressed in a purple Rapunzel dress with bows on his head.

He gets no cash from me.