Friday, February 2, 2018

blogs the word (quick takes, baby!)

Hitting up Kelly's link-up in an attempt to not neglect yee old blog so long this time!

1) I have to blog-document the fact that I did finally succeed in potty training my very first male offspring a few weeks ago, and after only TWO failed attempts (where I literally threw in the pee-soaked towel). I had never had a kid who had such a hard time tolerating the concept of defecating  anywhere other than in his pants and I would say that was the biggest hurdle because once I convinced him to try it and once we had one success it really wasn't that bad.

That said, I will always and forever hold to the conviction that potty training is evil and is quite possibly the only task of parenting that makes me want to curl up in the fetal position with a flask by 11 a.m. I don't even try to salvage pooped in undies anymore, I just cut those nasty-ass mothers right off and throw them away.

2) Then there is Fred.

I have never had a child quite like Fred.

His favorite things include: Screeching. Not talking. Screaming. Outlets. Metal objects near outlets. Unplugging my lamps and carrying them around the house. Any and all lotions. Opening lotion bottles. Spreading lotion all over himself. Screaming when said lotion is taken away. Hiding in bathrooms. Making piles of toilet paper. Plungers. Plungers in toilets. Screaming when taken out of bathrooms. And so on...

He is the cutest walking heart attack.

3) The older I get the more intolerant of unpleasant weather I have become, I'm only a few years away from Morty and Helen Seinfeld status and Del Boca Vista relocation. I am increasingly clueless as to what on earth to do with my children so that you would think I was the earliest spring chicken at this mothering thing. They were actually begging me to take them to Mass today for the Presentation (#whenyourkidsarewayholierthanyou) and I said "no" (because #deviltoddlerFred and #imreallynotholy) but honestly, Mass sounded tempting just so we could leave the house!! However, I opened the door and the arctic winds blew at my face and the "hell nooooo" swelled in my throat and so we didn't. Then the super guilt ridden mother inside me started yapping in my head about doing something since they had already realized it was a special feast day so I had them take every single candle out for us to light while singing a hymn and then we had cookies and hot chocolate.

Those bananas are literally never going to be ripe enough to eat.
I heard "you're going to burn the house down, mom" no fewer than 10 times.


 4) This brings me to number 4 because I make the most bomb hot chocolate in the world and I wanted to share what is probably somebody else's recipe, but I didn't look it up anywhere so I'm not technically stealing it. Also, it's basically chocolate and milk and you could totally figure it out on your own but Imma own like the culinary poser I am.

ANA'S Gormet Hot Chocolate (emphasis on "ANA" and said in a very sultry voice)

1/2 cup semi sweet chocolate chips
2 -3 tablespoons heavy cream or half and half
2-3 cups milk
1/2 cup powdered sugar.
1/2 teaspoon peppermint extract (optional)

Melt 1/2 cup chocolate chips with cream or half and half in 30 second increments in the microwave and stir until smooth (I suppose you non-microwave users could melt it on the stove top, or maybe you just don't deserve this delicious hot chocolate...... ((kidding)) ). Heat milk on stove top on medium to high heat (or play fast and loose like me and put it smack dab on HIGH because your psychotic children are yelling that they want hot chocolate NOW and you're afraid they will set the place on fire if the electric burner doesn't get a flippin move on!!!). Once milk is hot whisk the melted chocolate in, continue whisking as you add the powdered sugar and whisk until lumps are gone (basically just never stop whisking).

Serve it hot so they burn their mouths and learn their lesson to stop yelling at you to hurry up.


KIDDING, serve delightfully warm with mini mallows and homemade whipped cream and watch their delightful little faces light up with gratifying smiles because you really are the best mother in the entire world...

Enjoy.

5) Mike and I watched A Ghost Story the other day and I had an existential crisis that lasted a day, seriously I think I weirded Mike the heck out. I love Casey Affleck so I was willing to give it a try, but Casey Affleck IS UNDER A SHEET THE ENTIRE MOVIE. I have never watched such a deeply depressing movie whose goal is really to do nothing at all except make you very, terribly sad. SO DEFINITELY WATCH IT (WINK).

6)) I am reading Kristen Lavransdatter because I was not about to read it when everyone else and their mother was reading it a few years ago, you know I don't like to do things that other people are doing. But man I probably should have because it is SO DANG GOOD. The real issue now is making any effort to do anything else at all but sit and read it all day every day. This blog post and the fact that we got any school done today at all are basically miraculous.

7) The newest Take Up and Read journal is available for Lent and it's beautiful both in aesthetics and in content. I highly recommend and not just because I wrote for it, but mostly because I wrote for it and I am super awesome.

Alright I think I got all the sarcasm I have in me out of my system and I should go do something productive like drink hot chocolate and read my book. TGIFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF!!!!!!!!!!!



8 comments :

  1. I have potty trained FOUR boys. I feel you, sister, in every inch of that post!

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  2. Please report your conclusive thoughts once you finish KL! Pretty please?

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  3. Cutest walking heart attack...!! I hope it's not insulting that the sarcasm and angst in this post truly brightened my day. Thanks for being real! I've been dabbling with potty-training for almost a year. My 2 1/2 year old is ready, I AM NOT! We're waiting for sunshine and warm weather and then the diapers are gone. I have a couple more months to psych myself up... we'll see where that gets me.

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  4. I'm pretty sure this post was the highlight of my break during naptime...possibly of my whole day. ;)

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  5. Ana, I don't know if anyone has mentioned it to you before but I can't recommend Jamie Glowacki's book Oh Crap! Potty Training highly enough. We used her method to train our son just after his second birthday and it went astonishingly well. It's a really simple method, the book is moderately judgy but also very funny, and if you haven't taken a look it may save you some sanity when it comes to Fred's turn. (I don't usually like to bring up unsolicited potty advice, but since you broached the topic...!)

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    1. Yes! We used this too. I still needed my special potty training cocktail at lunch time (shot of vodka or rum, ginger beer, half a lime) but I have hope for my second child now I know a bit what I'm doing. I was laughing with glee about cutting off the poopy undies. Why did I try to save them?

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  6. That hot chocolate sounds so decadent! That will definitely put you in the running for Best Mom Ever!

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  7. This was so funny! I was the same way with poopie underwear. No way in hell I’d clean those things!

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