Tuesday, April 29, 2014

That time I jogged and managed to NOT lose control of my bladder...

During some Mike and Naomi bonding time on Sunday I made an overly excited attempt at a jaunt with the 2 lighter weight Hahn females I thought I was on top of the world.

It felt incredible to move, something that has been a real rarity this pregnancy. Even though Bernadette kept insisting that I was "only walking" and I spent most of it leaning on the stroller for support and stopping to "get over bumps" (aka catch my breath), it felt great to get out and move.

I made the executive decision that exercise must happen more than once every 3-6 months and begged Mike to help me so that I could get out a couple times a week and not have to stare at stupid Summer while wrangling 3 kids. Mike conceded and offered to help out in the mornings a few times a week for me to go out and jog sans stroller and kids, here is about how it went down on the first go:

Time: 8:05
Place: The driveway
Weather: 50s, wet and foggy
Activity: Pregnant woman attempts to "jog" for the second time in over 6 months

(All italicized words are my thoughts. Bold words track the progress, the course, the music and my bladder)

Toxic begins, and I begin.

I feel like I could wrestle a cobra, I don't even feel pregnant. This is incredible, I am going to rock this jog.

I get off the driveway, a hefty braxton hicks contraction attacks me and I am sure I am going to lose all bladder control. 

Push through it, you can do it, this feels awesome. I am so happy to be out of the house. This breeze is divine. I don't even feel pregnant! I wonder how pregnant I look? I am going to rock this. 

I make it to the half-a-block-from-the-house mark. Another nice BH contraction. 

Oh man, I probably should have gone back into the house to pee again. I can make it, just need to push through. I can do it. Oh good, cars are speeding past, I can stop for a second. 

Stop 1 block from the house and wait for cars to pass for me to cross the street. All cars have passed, back to business.

I bet I could train for a race the remainder of this pregnancy, I feel awesome. I am going to get into great shape, I only feel a little pregnant. These braxton hicks are no joke. I wonder if these people would mind if I stopped and asked to use their bathroom. It's almost 8:30, that's not too early right? Maybe it is, I'll be ok.

2 blocks from the house.

Oh man, maybe I should slow it down to a fast walk. No, that would look ridiculous. Then again, I think I probably look a little absurd right now. I feel like Phoebe from friends... mixed with Elaine's thumb dance. Yep, I look like a running dry heave set to music.

These shorts are way too small, they won't stop riding up. I look exactly like I did at every middle school sporting event and I am 29. I should probably invest in some maternity workout clothing, or at least plus size. Why am I wearing Mike's grad week t-shirt from FUS, people could identify me with this.

Run faster because my bladder is a ticking time bomb and turn the corner to make a loop back home.

Should I stop at someone's house to pee? Should I stop at the gas station to use their nasty bathroom? I don't have my glasses on, I can't see anyone. I am covered in sweat and my clothes are too tight. I should just get home.

Beyonce's Crazy In Love comes on, naturally giving me a boost. Run faster, more contractions, sure of impending incontinence. Stop and walk.

No must get home to use the bathroom...

Run more.

Oh look there's a cop car, maybe he could give me a ride home. No, that would be too embarrassing. Is what I'm doing even legal? This could probably be considered some form of public indecency or at least causing a public spectacle. 

Pass the cop cautiously.

Ok, I missed my chance at a ride home, but he didn't arrest me, so I win. I can make it. I feel awesome. No wait, I mean awful. I feel so pregnant. I have been running for less than 1/2 mile. This is pathetic, I think I'll wait to train for any races.

Stop and walk. Need to pee. Run more. Contractions. Stop and walk. Need to pee. Run more. Contractions. Stop and walk.

Living on a Prayer, start air boxing. Kidding, but that song always makes me want to. The home stretch. I've made the loop and am now 2 blocks from home.

I will kill this, I am awesome. I can see the house. Yikes. I cannot run the rest. Must walk.

2 houses away from home.

Must sprint to the bathroom. This feels like a sprint but I am pretty sure it is just a fast walk. It will work, so so close. I can do it. 

Home. Bathroom. 3 minute shower.

That was the best 15 minutes ever, I cannot wait for my next jog. 


  1. This is the funniest thing ever!! I am dying - probably because I am the exact same way. Way to go for even trying!

  2. I could never jog when I was pregnant. Mine were so low it felt like they were going to fall out - never mind the bladder issues!! Good for you for getting out and moving!

  3. I am not a runner, so this all just sounds crazy to me. But very funny!
    When you passed the cops, all I could think of was how, during my first pregnancy, someone told me that it is law here in England that if a pregnant woman needs to pee and there is no bathroom around, a police officer is obligated to give up his hat as a receptacle for her. It was presented to me as one of those crazy old laws that has just never been repealed, but I don't know if it is true or completely made up and, sadly, I never had the opportunity to test it out!

  4. This was hilarious! And, I so remember being preggo and trying to run and having to use the bathroom SO BAD. I used to plan my route so I would go past the park AND the grocery store just so I had ample bathroom opportunity.

  5. I'm impressed that you even tried to run! I ran all last summer and continued to run after I found out that I was pregnant - for about a week ha. I couldn't handle the (ahem) chest pain due to my rapidly expanding bust or the bladder discomfort (and I can't imagine running later on in the second trimester).

  6. And also, this was hilarious.

  7. You're all so sweet to encourage me in this endeavor. I would not call what I did "running" by any stretch, but I will do it again and again for an excuse to be 1) out of the house alone and 2) listening to hip hop without needing to mute or fast forward due to tiny ears.

  8. I tried to 'run' during my last pregnancy (after the morning sickness was past) and couldn't do it because the joint ligament pain was SO BAD. So good for you to keep up the running!!

    Also, I have pretty embarrassing stories about post-ceasarean incontinence during a 2.5 mile run… I wish I'd planned my route about bathrooms… :) There were only two (sometimes locked) in the park I ran through.

  9. " but he didn't arrest me, so I win. " PAHAHA!!!! My feelings about passing cops, exactly!!!!
    Get it girl! It will totally pay off post partum.