Friday, September 21, 2012

7 quick takes: confinement edition

Thank you, Jen, for providing me an opportunity to have my whiny voice heard, yet again, in link up fashion. I am very pregnant.
Here it goes:

1) I am of the opinion that all women in the late stages of pregnancy deserve to have a period of confinement. They used to do that back in the day right? I know they mention in Little Women (the Hollywood rendition, of course). But seriously, I have pretty much decided that I am going into confinement and am all but cutting myself off from society, for society's sake, until this baby makes an appearance. I went ahead and walked out on the porch yesterday and yelled as loudly as I could "I DECLARE CONFINEMENT!!" Our neighbors looked super confused, but also oddly peaceful, and they still waved and nodded, so I took that as all the validation I need. I am out.

2) You see, I am not one of those pregnant women whose "shirts still fit them when they still have 5 more weeks til their due date", or one who "doesn't sweat profusely when she walks up the lone step from the play room into the kitchen". Nor am I the type who can "hold her bladder stream when 5 pounds of baby and even more of uterus and placenta are weighing down on it and who won't just pee her pants right there in the store" or the type who "chooses to offer discomforts up instead of complain about them". Honestly you could insert most of what Chris Farley says in the below video into my scare quotes and they could apply to me. So it is for the good of everyone that I go away.



3) I have completed most of the tasks one is supposed to complete before a baby arrives, and now that the adorable bassinet is all assembled and mocking me night and day, I have nothing left to do but birth.

4) Therefore "Operation Get The Baby Out" has already commenced. All that it means currently is loading up on some good old fashion Evening Primrose oil, which is super gentle and probably doesn't do anything anyways, but it makes me feel good about myself and my cervix. But rest assured that the moment I am "full term" every natural induction method that is safe/not harsh/obviously non-invasive will be put into practice. It may be that none of them work, but no one, and I mean no one will be able to say I didn't give it my all.

5) I feel really good about it, because they baby has sent me lots of casual, even subliminal messages that she is good and ready to come out. That is, if by subliminal messages you mean kicking my side so hard that I had to check to make sure she hadn't escaped.

6) I will spare you one.

7) To end on a happy note, a special package came in the mail yesterday to cheer me from all my "I do not want to move from any of my various perches around the house but these children need someone to care for them but I don't want to plop them in front the TV for that many hours" blues:
An awesome complete collection of vintage Disney books on tape discovered on ebay for a serious steal of a deal.
 Happiness abounds and I can continue my confinement from the comfort of my couch.

Click for more.


14 comments :

  1. Have Mike help you get that baby out - it's the only thing that works.

    Love books on tape, that's how we do long car rides.

    Give that baby bump a rub from me :)

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  2. DON'T LISTEN TO COLLEEN!!!!! DON'T DO IT!
    Not only does it NOT work, but you then have to suffer a humiliating round of "million years pregnant" maritals (hahahaha that Chris Farley clip made me cry laughing) with NO LABOR STARTED.
    Ask Steph over at Baca Ohana. She'll tell you.

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  3. What Cari said! If maritals worked, people would be having preemie babies right and left for no reason whatsoever. It was just some dude who wanted to git some who made up that evil rumor. It is UNTRUE UNTRUE UNTRUE!

    But anyway. Plopping them in front of the t.v. for the entire third trimester isn't a thing? Are you sure?

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  4. HAHAHAAAA!!! The commentary here is hilarious :) End of pregnancy life is the worst. You are so close to done though!! I too am a fan of EPO that last month to make me feel like I'm helping things along.

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  5. I don't have any babies yet, but this definitely made me smile. Here's praying for a healthy, easy end to your pregnancy with your sanity intact!

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  6. I am so jealous of your amazing ebay find! That is just fantastic! Thank you for the giggles at your expense! You are getting so close!
    Keeping you in my prayers. XO

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  7. I think it's funny when I see objects from my childhood considered "vintage." We had those sets!

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  8. Cambodian Thai, that is my unsolicited advice.

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  9. I feel this way and I am a laughable 22.8 weeks along.

    you just stay confined. I applaud it.

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  10. I just hit 37 this week and am SO ready to be done. I have the energy of a 10 year old cat--I can do one task each day, then I must nap. Not even food is motivating me at this point, seriously when a pregnant lady doesn't even want to EAT you know it's time to be done.

    You're almost done and you're taking it like a champ!

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  11. Oh my goodness whatever you do don't enlist your husband's 'help'. Seriously. There is pretty much NO WAY in which that can progress or end well. Or at least un-embaressingly.

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  12. Foot massage, preferably by Asians. It is truly your only hope.

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  13. I definitely went in to labor while getting a pedicure. I kid you not.

    I most definitely stand with you on the confinement issue. Hang in there!

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  14. Foot message- duly noted.
    And all you third trimester marital relations hatas are crazy! I feel sexier than ever! Also, it totally works.

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