Monday, March 24, 2014

acceptance

I am sure that when Mike stopped to chat with me for a few minutes this morning on his way downstairs to work he was not expecting the heaping bucket of complaint vomit I dumped on him, or maybe he was because he has lived with me almost 6 years now. It's what I do.

My primary complaint was just that "I was done with this day". A mixture of a big medicine spill in the bathroom circa 5 a.m. this morning (and children's medicine which is basically syrup with a dash of ib profen) resulting in at least 5 floor scrubs before 9 a.m. and a smoothie food processor explosion in the midst of what felt like complete pregnant lady starvation were the main culprits for my complaint. But it was all ok and after I spewed my uncontrollable whines to Mike I felt really stupid because I can't "just be done" with the day and having that phrase cycling through my head was certainly only feeding how much I hated everything. So out of the denial phase I went and on to acceptance.

Here are some things I am working on accepting currently (or accepting them, moving on, getting pissed about them again, accepting them again, and moving on again, etc...) it is not an exhaustive list.

+ that days during pregnancy will always be front loaded with an extra 20 pounds of hard just because I am pregnant. I don't know if that makes sense to anyone else, but even though the constant nausea has passed and a tiny bit of energy has returned, the day automatically starts off significantly harder because of bearing this tiny person. And that is totally ok.

+ how NOT good looking I feel all the time. You would think it would be easier to accept the 4th time around that my body is just not going to look how I want it to look for about 18 months of pregnancy and postpartum, but on the contrary this is becoming harder and harder. But I am getting there thanks to copious shopping for things I feel the best in and a husband who is nothing but complimentary allllll the time.

+ that the basket of clean laundry sitting in the living room will not find itself folded until all the current dirty laundry is cycling through the appliances and it will only get done on account of my need to use the only laundry basket we own, which is filled with clean laundry.

+ that I am daily nursing a bunch of dying plants indoors because I started them way too early and it is no where close to being able to put them outside because this winter will never end.

+ that no matter how many times I refresh the Accuweather website, it will not magically change the 10 day forecast. And I will always want to cry about it.

+ that the only place Lucy is happy is on my hip roughly 94% of her waking hours. C'est la vie.

+ the fact that Bernadette-- my one lone consistently wonderful napper, always giving a solid hour and a half of nothing but silence from her sleeping quarters-- is phasing out of napping. I know this is totally normal and I've been wondering when she would stop because she's like 3.5 years of age and not at all a baby anymore, but I was marinating in my love for it as long as it would last. But then today- today- the end has obviously begun, in the form of total nap rebellion because she has not learned the ways of this rest-time-nazi of a mother who WILL make her stay in that room and quiet come hell or high water.

+ that one child has been singing the same line to the same (dumb) Veggie Tales song over and over and over and over x348 because it would be way too hard to learn any other lines, or at least not as much fun as chanting those 2 lines.

+ that it will always be a struggle to accept things that challenge how self centered I am and how much I love routine and comfort and time to myself and solo bathroom trips and so on and so fourth.

Done. 

17 comments :

  1. I suggest having the girls help you fold the laundry. Occupies their time and gets you a good start on doing the arduous task. My almost 4 yr old's folding job is not half bad!

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  2. I am working on acceptance of my bad housekeeping skills. It will never be fun or easy out even moderately satisfying for me to keep the dishes washed and the table clear, but it has to be done and I serve my husband by doing it. Good reminder!

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  3. Once you accept that there will always be a load of laundry to fold, your life will improve! 13 years into marriage and motherhood, however, and I'm STILL wondering why everyone insists on eating three times a day. WHY?!

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  4. I keep telling myself that laundry will always be around and so will that horrible lunch making task right after I clean the kitchen ... hopefully I accept it around ten years in. A+ for accepting it now!

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  5. If we could just figure out a way to will that the laundry fold itself ... the whole world would change.

    What you said is true - I'm finding that being pregnant puts me at an automatic disadvantage at the beginning of each day when it comes to productivity and energy.

    And I know you don't feel it, but you look great :)

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  6. I love when you get real with us. I feel like you and I have such similar struggles, and it is so uplifting to hear how you battle them. You're a rockstar.

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  7. The laundry! I still do that sometimes, 15 years of marriage and 5 kids later, so I relate. I think the hardest thing about this whole stay at home mom gig is that you can't take a sick or vacation day. If you wake up feeling rotten you still have to go to work, no options. When I was working outside the home I had a choice (even if I still needed to go in because of something important needing to be done, I technically still had a choice). If I woke up throwing up then I knew I wasn't working that day. Not so with my current vocation, whether I'm throwing up or not the kids still need breakfast! No rest for the weary, hang in there, I swear it does get better, especially when your oldest get a bit older and are more self sufficient. When they're old enough to (gasp) babysit and you can run to the store by yourself for milk you know you have arrived!

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  8. That last one makes my heart hurt, because I am so there with you right now.

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  9. It's super hard! But you are a great mom, like so many of us are. Peace and joy to you, in your vocation as mother. Stay strong! :)

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  10. Argh…I have days like this all the time (don’t we all?) I love hearing your honesty, because, like others have said, it helps us know we are not alone, right? Prayers for you, always. God is smiling on you today…take courage in that. You are a good mother. Each minute that passes is a moment to start over - that’s what I always say.

    Also, I heard a talk once by some of the Nashville Dominicans, AND one of the nuns said that when a sister is having a bad and frustrating day (religious sisters have them too!!) that that particular sister is instructed to sit down, take a moment to breathe, and write a note to someone - specifically a thank you note. She went on to explain that writing something personal to someone else gets us outside of ourself in a good way. It helps us forget the things we are worrying/angry/frustrated about. I try this trick every now and then when my world is all swirly and it helps so much :)

    Have a great rest of your day, sweet lady!

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  11. I love how honest you are and I relate to all of those things...well except the weather,one, sorry-- just move to the South, ok?! :)

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  12. Laundry is the bane of my existence. Why, why, why is it SO hard to get it put away? And it never ends, with 4 sweaty boys and a husband. And isn't it funny the little things that just grate on your nerves?! I hear you on the nap - my now 15-year old was SO ready to give up his nap at 4 and I was preggo with his brother. That poor child "napped" until he was almost 5 (although by napping I mean, staying his room with the door closed while MOM napped! Because I just couldn't bear to have him give it up when I had a new baby.

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  13. I love it when you share "real" posts like this one. I've been struggling with accepting some things myself lately. Thanks for letting me know I'm not alone.

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  14. Acceptance. Such a good word for Lent and such a hard one to practice. I kind of love to vent to Gabe because he is the only one I can too and then I realize it probably just adds to his plate. If I can work on acceptance of those things like unmade dinner at 5 pm maybe I can than work on choosing joy;) Good post Ana!

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  15. Buy more laundry baskets. That's one problem solved.

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  16. Ana, I started praying this prayer to St. Joseph when I was struggling with my job (I'm in Sales; I work outside the home), but while praying it, I realized that where I really needed help was in my duties at home: laundry, cleaning, cooking. My natural inclination is to avoid the housework. I hate it! (don't we all?) This prayer helps me not just face the ENDLESS housework, but to conquer it.
    "O Glorious St. Joseph, model of all those who are devoted to labor, obtain for me the grace to work conscientiously, putting the call of duty above my natural inclinations, to work with gratitude and joy, in a spirit of penance for the remission of my sins, considering it an honor to employ and develop by means of labor the gifts received from God, to work with order, peace, moderation and patience, without ever shrinking from weariness and difficulties, to work above all with purity of intention and detachment from self, having always death before my eyes and the account that I must render of time lost, of talents wasted, of good omitted, of vain complacency in success, so fatal to the work of God. All for Jesus, all through Mary, all after thine example, O Patriarch, St. Joseph. Such shall be my watch-word in life and in death." – Composed by St. Pius X

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  17. See why you're so awesome? Just sayin.

    I hope I can practice some acceptance because this is seriously the worst March I have ever had. March in Buffalo is like summer in hell, except it's always winter, and I am absolutely miserable. Every morning I'm like, "Today's the day when I'm gonna be a nicer person!" Then BOOM. Fail bag.

    Anyway, I love how you describe your life. You have such a way with words, Hahn. Such a funny lady, you are!:) love Yoda

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