Monday, April 8, 2013

dental woes

For the past week, I have been approaching today with an extremely disproportionate sense of foreboding. Every time I thought about it in the days leading up to it I would get a little nauseous. I felt like I was being led to a slaughter house slowly while someone told me the ways they were going to torture me.

What  on earth could be so terribly dramatic and horrible to warrant this sort of fear and melodratic prose?

The freakin dentist.

Every time I go to the dentist it is the same story: I need a bunch of fillings.
All my teeth (except the front ones without craters in the middle) have been filled at least once, most of them have had the first filling drilled out and a second one put in, and one in particular- the little guy we were dealing with today- has been filled 3 times in the past 5 years of marriage.

Pathetic, I know.

All distugusting and boring tooth details aside, it is absurd how much I dread the dental chair. Moreso than labor, a c-section, being pooped, peed or vomited on, anything- give me anything but the dentist!

But today it all came into focus when I woke up feeling exhausted, realized that our food supplies were dwindling and I would need to take a solo trip to the store, with all 3 girls. Then Bernadette woke up feeling sick and would not stop complaining about her stomach hurting. I tried to put that out of my mind and we went to the store for what felt like the longest grocery trip in history and upon returning home realized that Bernadette indeed has some sort of bug. Great.

The groceries unloaded themselves while I sat and ate bon bons watching my favorite soaps... Oh sorry I trailed off into a fantasy...

I unloaded the groceries while trying to keep the saddest, most tired, teething and probably sick, baby in the world happy, only pausing to change a BOMB of a diaper (courtesy of whatever bug Bernadette picked up from some kind soul) and clean the the various areas of the house it had encountered, then change the soiled outfit.

The day goes on as usual: feed the kids, change more diapers, try like heck to get Lucy to sleep, fail, try again, take them outside, change more diapers, clean them off, feed them again, play with them, read to them, take them to the potty, change more diapers, finally get the baby to sleep and then lay on the couch feeling damn near lifeless because I am so exhausted from the work and toil that is the simple day to day life.

Then I go to the dentist and realize what a complete idiot I was for dreading it so much.

Sure, it sucks that they greeted me by poking me with that extra long needle that takes forever to empty into the gums and stings even more as the medicine goes in than when they poked me. Then they tell me that there are "just a couple more pokes" until they're done.

And it was rough that they numbed me so thoroughly that my jaw locked and couldn't open more than an inch so they had to put some wedge in to keep it open. It did a great job at keeping my mouth open and at digging into my UNnumbed gums on the other side.

It's legit that I don't enjoy having my teeth drilled for 30 straight minutes while the remnants of the old filling fly down my throat causing the assistant to desperately try to suction them out (from down my throat).

And it did stink that they had to "carve" at my filling for like 45 extra minutes while my jaw stayed in it's locked position with the gum-cutter-inner things on the other side of your mouth.

But in the end I left feeling energized. Because no matter how much all of that stuff sucked, it was nothing compared to what I do every. single. day.

Lounging with daytime TV- it does not get any better.
And the best part was that I did not have to MOVE while it went on. And there were no kids asking me to feed them while my tooth was drilled. No kids letting me know that there is poop on their hands because they had investigated their diaper pre-change. No babies screaming while I desperately try to figure out what is wrong (well, there was a baby screaming back at home, but I was not the one trying every trick in the book to fix it- shout out to Mike the best husband ever).

And I got to watch cash cab. So, win win.

In summation: the dentist sucks, but being a mom is harder.


  1. BWAAAAHAHAAHAAA!!!! You just invented an entire new level of motherhood. It involves lots of small children and the dentist chair is even better??? Wow. At the beginning I was nodding my head. And at end I was cheers'ing my computer screen :) So awesome!!

  2. So true my true.

    Last week I had to go in for an emergency root canal, one week after giving birth!! However, like my husband said- at least I got out of the house!

  3. Ana, you are so funny! This is why I loved going to Walmart when Phil would get home from work and I had been at home with 4 aged 4 and under. Now I dread the Walmart trip but back then it was luxurious!

  4. There is something to be said for lying in a chair sans children. Even if it is the dentist. And you and I have the same teeth. At least my children inherited my husband's cavity-less genes.

  5. Love this. Totally with you. You are so stinking funny. :)

  6. I'm having the same thing done on Wednesday. REALLY looking forward to it (not.) Glad you had some time off tho ;)

  7. This sounds just slightly creepy, but I'm almost positive that I had a cavity filled in that exact same dentist's chair a couple weeks ago (the view is very familiar). Those trips are my only foray into the world of daytime TV, and I love the guilty pleasure.

  8. Ugh. The dentist. I have to laugh at this bc last time I went to the dentist, they were running late with my appt. and Mike's appt. overlapped. So, I had to get my teeth cleaned with Ellen sitting

    Needless to say, I can't wait to do that again.

  9. I wish this was less true. And I LOVE waiting for the doctor, with my book, by myself. Oh, luxury.

  10. Oh man I HATE going to the dentist, so I can relate to your pain. And I now understand why you and Grace are so skinny... you spend your day running around like crazy and I spend mine sitting in a chair. So wonder my hips are big.

    Mystery solved!