|I am the chubby baby|
|In the green dress on the right with the bright blond highlights. At 14.|
I am definitely NOT going to open my closet of life secrets for the webs, while that may make for a really fun post. And even though major strides have been made since my faux-green-silk dress wearing pre-teen days, I still find myself back at square one sometimes when it comes womanly struggles and now I find myself needing to raise three little women of my own (so far). There have been multiple instances recently that have foreshadowed the difficulties that await me with these girls and I have forced myself not to read anything, or seek advice, because that overwhelms me and will come later, and to rather just take it one SECOND at a time, and blog about my fears.
Naomi: Mommy, I am just so frustrated.
Naomi: Because all I ever think about is marrying James, and all he ever thinks about is pirates and play mobiles.
This conversation took place in the car several weeks ago. Naomi is not even 4 1/2 yet. Naomi has been seriously trying to win her little friend Jame's hand in "pretend", but not so pretend in her mind, marriage for months now.
The fact is that I felt the way that she was feeling that day in the car until my senior year of college. I was constantly crushing on someone and hoping so hard they would notice me, or in a relationship with someone who was not worth it, or breaking up with that someone and it was so emotionally draining. I certainly did not think that this sort of boy chasing would start to take place until much later and if that is my only reason for keeping her at home for school I will count it as the best reason.
Naomi: Mommy, I NEED to wear my pink dress tonight.
Naomi: Because Mary only likes the color pink and I REALLY want Mary to like what I am wearing.
This conversation took place recently too and it scared me even more than the boy conversation. What woman that you know doesn't struggle with wanting to measure up to her peers? I know they exist, but I happen to be friends with none of them. This was one of the things I struggled with the earliest and the hardest as a girl, specially in the realm of vain things like clothing and looking good and in the end I would say that feeling like I did not measure up spiraled into a host of other insecurities which led no where good fast. I had no idea what to say to Naomi, but just to keep reiterating that she is beautiful in whatever she wears and that what other people think just doesn't matter. It still freaked me out.
Naomi: I am the beautifulest!
Bernadette: NO, I AM THE BEAUTIFULEST!!! (because she is always screaming)
Naomi: I am the beautifulest!
Bernadette: NO, I AM THE BEAUTIFULEST!!!
(over and over until I put a stop to it)
Competition and comparison between women is the absolute worst. It was something that caused major problems for me and between me and so many of my friends, and is honestly something I still struggle with. I just hope and pray that I can fake it enough to where they come out being better and little females than their mother.
I have to make more and more of a concerted effort not to talk about whatever dieting I am currently trying to do, and even the words that I use in reference to what I look like with Mike are often not ideal and I am trying to improve on that. I hate putting on workout DVDs with the girls around because Jillian has just gotten more and more sexy looking with each video and there is always at least one lady with only a sports bra on.
When the girls ask why we are working out I try to really play up that exercise is so good for us and important for our overall health, but I know somewhere in my body there are lots of other vain and selfish motivations, because I want to look GOOD!
They stare at me while I am putting my makeup on and occasionally ask why I am doing it, to which I will always respond that it is important for mommy to feel my best so that I can be my best, but again, I know there are vain motivations behind everything. And I know that there is no way to root up all that crap in my self overnight, nor is there a way to shield and shelter them from all the crap that young women face in the world today. And that is why is just scares me. And why I pray for them daily.
And why I am sending all of them to the convent.