That is the description of myself for my account on the Twitter.
I hope no one ever thinks it is serious.
Sometimes I have the motherly cojones to consider myself one that has it all together. I don't feel this way frequently, in fact I would say the majority of the time I am feeling like I was last Monday, but sometimes -sometimes- I get cocky. This Monday I got myself dressed in the morning, decided that since the daylight savings time which springs fourth from the deepest bowels of the netherworld came along and made my children (ahem, Naomi) revert back to a lovely pre-5:30 a.m. wake time, I was not going to let it drag me down. In fact I was going to show mother nature who is boss and take all three children to an 8:15 a.m. Mass solo. No big deal for some I am sure, but rather insanely unprecedented for me.
I did it, it wasn't bad, I felt pretty awesome. Then yesterday came and I figured, I did it once! I am doing it again. But this time we ventured to the local large University, played on some play equipment, almost froze, visited the grotto so Bernadette could harass the statue of her namesake and quote her favorite Saint Bernadette cartoon as theatrically as possible in front of all onlookers, and headed to the 11:30 a.m. Mass.
It went much worse, but I still did it (Katrina was lucky enough to witness the debacle with her 2 sweet boys, one who is all of a few weeks old! She looked incred as usual).
Something about wrangling three kids for the entirety of the Mass with no adult help got my spirits all hopped up and feeling like I could conquer the world, or at least the northern most part of South Bend, IN. Then today came. It never takes much, a touch of insomnia here, a completely pointless pediatric dental appointment for the older girls there, and I am back to my normal, humiliated state.
Why anyone ever takes their kids to the dentist at this age I will never know. I mean, I just did it, but that is because of all the pressure. But I am here to tell you NOT to give in to the pressure! Unless you have some sort of concern or worry about your kid's teeth, just brush them and call it a day. Or unless you are in the market for random people who have no finesse at all with little children to be poking around the mouths of your progeny only to tell you that everything is great. Ok there was one that was good with kids, the rest were SUPER awkward and borderline scary, it's a pediatric dentist!
Everyone should be as unscary as possible! Or if you really love it when people make you feel guilty for your kids still sucking thumbs and occasionally using a pacifier, then you would love the place we just went to. It was horrid and Bernadette screamed bloody murder the entire time while the lady kept scolding her that "even screaming and crying isn't going to make anything better!" I would have been crying if I were her too.
Whatever, moving on. In order to not completely scar Bernadette and have her forever associate her first dental appointment with today's event, I decided to venture immediately to our favorite mall play place, which is incidentally located just one mall hallway away from a chic fil a where milk shakes and french fries would be purchased to soften the blow of the morning (you read that right, I followed up our dental appointment with milkshakes). The plan was going well until we stepped out of the car in to pouring rain and crazy winds. As I plowed forward at the rate of a geriatric handicapped snail pushing the older girls who simply could "not walk!" what with the monsoon and all and with 23 pound Lucy strapped in the ergo, and glasses completely covered with water topped nappy wet hair, I knew that it looked like someone had just handed me these three kids and asked me to barely keep them alive. Which is kind of the case.
We made it to chic fil a finally, inhaled our grease and sugar and moved on to the place of play and as soon as we got there I knew it was a bad idea. As ungracefully as possible, I navigated our double wide child pushing device through the various giant plastic climbing equipment, ramming into multiple corners and almost plowing over several unsuspecting toddlers on the way and finally came to our corner where I set Lucy free from her harnessed bonds to let her crawl and play. But since Lucy has had some sort of never ending facet-nose-leaky-eye cold topped with cutting 6 new teeth, and refused to go down for her typical morning slumber for Mike while I dentisted it up this a.m., she was starting to look a little akin to this kid from the Newsies.
^Just give me half a cup, something to wake me up.
And almost as soon as I put her down the wailing and gnashing of teeth (literally) began and we lasted about 5 whole minutes before I-- now the most frazzled looking mother in the whole play place, mall, and arguably the greater northern region of South Bend-- threw the the baby in the carrier, broke it to the girls that we were leaving stat and begged them not to throw tantrums and I think they were so shocked at how falling apart at the seams I was that they actually complied quite well. The promise of finishing their cookies and cream shakes in the car helped, I am sure. We got home as fast as is humanly possible and since I am the absolute best mom in the whole world, we called the waffle fries and shakes lunch I got them down for naps at break neck speed.
And I am happily back to my comfortable, and much more familiar non-confident, non-cocky state thanks to some good old Wednesday humiliation.