Monday, June 16, 2014

How Pregnant Are You? {the official quiz}

In the last 24 hours I have started 3 different blog posts (I think Dwija very accurate coined what I have "placenta brain", so little brain function, it's not even funny). The only reason this one is even going to get posted is because the girls are eating airheads and fruit snacks at 9:30 in the morning. Survival mode? I don't know what you're talking about.

So in lieu of any good writing, and in place of the Hahn Vacation post I was working for today (that will come soon) here's a little quiz for your taking enjoyment.

How Pregnant Are You? 
The Official Quiz

1) When setting out to get yourself dressed for the day, you:

a) grab your cutest pair of jeans and a fitted tee and call it a day
b) find a pair of pants with an elastic waist and a flowy non-maternity shirt
c) giant paneled maternity shorts + extra-long maternity shirt
d) say "screw it" and stay in your pajamas for the day
e) grab the nearest bed sheet to drape over yourself because nothing, not even the pajamas you're wearing, fits

2) Which animal* do you feel you can relate with most:

a) a chimpanzee
b) a tiger
c) a bison
d) an elephant
e) a blue whale

3) When thinking about and executing movement from the couch, you:

a) get up and move
b) take a deep breath and pull yourself up despite the desire to stay put
c) cringe and complain and then commence a series of shimmies and pulling on various parts of the couch fabric to move yourself forward and hoist yourself up
d) do as much as is humanly possible from the couch, beg your 5-year-old to do anything that cannot be done from the couch for you, get really good at yelling demands and throwing things from the couch, and when you finally do need to move, do all the things described in option C
e) cry and stay put

4) When someone asks you your due date, you:

a) tell them the date with a glow on your face and a twinkle in your eye
b) tell them the earliest possible date you've been given by doctors, charts or due date calculators without lying outright
c) make up a date that is earlier than any given date because it makes you feel a little more sane
d) give them a long angry glare that let's them know you might bite them if they even ask
e) cry and ask them for hug because you're pretty sure you are going to be pregnant for the rest of your life

5) When deciding what to eat to satisfy your veracious appetite, you:

a) throw together a delicious, high protein, filling snack
b) find the jar of peanut butter, scoop out a couple servings and quickly inhale
c) ask your 5-year-old to find you something, anything, from the fridge and bring it to the couch
d) eat the various old pieces of food found in the couch cushion because your 5-year-old is not answering when you yell
e) say "screw it" and lay down for a little nap on the couch because no one is asking you for anything right now and sleep is always preferable to food

6) After dropping something and needing to bend over to pick it up, you:

a) do it, no problem
b) do so with a little more effort than you are normally used to
c) cringe a little but still manage to not look too ridiculous on your way down and back
d) let out a loud grunty noise, position your hand on the lower back and plant your feet roughly shoulder length width with knees slightly bent, make your way down to the floor for the object slowly, methodically and ready for a spill at any time, give one last grunt as you retrieve the object and attempt to return to standing position, take several hefty deep breaths once you're back, thank God you didn't fall over or get stuck this time, get a glass of water to rehydrate. Repeat with each object dropped.
e) cry and leave whatever it is on the ground

7) While trying to formulate a coherant sentence, example (to your husband): "You're shirt looks nice", you:

a) say it and follow it up with a warm smile and a hug
b) say it and try not to follow it up by any complaints
c) say it but then go ahead and vent about how you wish your own clothes fit you
d) get one word in, forget what you were going to say and make something else up: "You're a man" or something similarly obvious is the most logical thing you can come up with
e) get one syllable in and burst into tears because being pregnant is SO HARD!! and WHEN WILL IT END?!?!? 

If you were unable to answer any of the questions, chances are, you're not pregnant.

If you got mostly As and Bs, Chimp Status: You're pregnant, but you most likely just found out or you're having a really great time in your second trimester.

Mostly Bs and Cs, Tiger Status: you're pretty pregnant, but still feeling like you've got it, and even have moments where you actually feel good.

Mostly Cs and Ds, Bison or Elephant status: You're entering the waddling phase, but can mostly keep it together long enough to go out in public for necessities.

Mostly Ds and Es: Congratulations, but you are officially Blue Whale status pregnant: Beautiful, Glowing albeit most immobile Blue Whale, which means you can't be too far from this blessed gestation's end. You can do it!

In case you were wondering, I scored Blue Whale status pregnant, and despite the largely hyperbolic nature of the quiz, I DID actually cry last night at the thought of getting up. It's pretty bad.

Since the test was inspired by me, invented by me, taken by me and graded by me, it is not actually intended to be taken by the general public, however if you're so inclined, go for it and let me know your score for fun.

I am fairly certain that every other pregnant woman handles pregnancy with infinitely more grace and patience than me. That being said, if you don't, I am all ears for some commiseration.

* The animal comparisons actually mean nothing, I was just filling in the "placenta brain" gaps. 

11 comments :

  1. There aren't enough capital letters and exclamation points to tell you how hilarious I find this post. Except for the part where my primarily C answers reminds me that I should just stop complaining already because, well, D and E are coming.

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  2. When I saw the picture of the whale, I didn't think of blue whale, I thought of beached whale. I can't say I've ever felt like a blue whale, but I CAN say I have felt like a beached whale a few times!!
    I loved d on question 6 - you describe things so accurately. :) I find myself grunting and groaning like an old man more often than I'd care to admit!
    I love this!

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  3. Is there an F? Cuz that's probably where I am at...although sometimes I still prefer eating to sleeping and I don't have a 5 year old to do things for me, unfortunately

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  4. Commiseration and solidarity.

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  5. It's so much fun being almost exactly as pregnant as you, haha. 38 weeks, baby! High five.

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  6. I'm somewhere between a bison and an elephant. My belly is not quite big enough that it is *that* much of an excuse, but add in the fun things like anemia and back pain and 20 extra pounds and baby trying to kick her way out/cause super fun BH contractions I definitely dig my perch on the couch hard. I'm not super excited about still having to face basically the whole third trimester and the summer...

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  7. I'm just about bison status...but oh wait, I'm not pregnant. It's just been a long long post partum period this time around. And: pregnancy weight, why won't you leave me? $!?#%!

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  8. My friend, Kate, coined the term "pregnesia" for the pregnancy brain status. It's like 3/4 of your brain has been shut off.

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  9. Hang in there, Ana. You look great. I swear I looked like that the minute I conceived twins (gulp) ;)

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  10. Very practical points. Letting go and lowering standards is helping with the extreme pregnancy miracle system fatigue. Hiring outside help to come in to clean the house helps.So I have to say that for the last few of hours i have been hooked by the impressive articles on this website. Keep up the wonderful work.

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