Also you might be thinking that only an idiot decides to take her FIVE kids, seven and under with the youngest being still a pretty fresh newborn, to a place that asks for relative silence. And you'd be right, I'm a straight-up idiot. I think the only way it could've gone worse is if someone defecated on the floor, but then it would've at least been a more interesting story.
This trip was really the perfect storm too because I decided to go right before the lunch/nap time slot, so right after school we had a hearty snack and around 11:15 we left, hoping we could be back by 12:45 ish and have a late lunch and have naps be a tad later. Insert some maniacal cackling here because obviously having a library trip that close to when children should be eating/sleeping is doomed to fail, and fail it did.
I discovered when I got there that on the day you get a new library card you are only allowed to check 2 items out on it (to which I mentally asked, WTF?!?!) but! If you get a new card for each and every member of your family you get 2 books for each person, making the trip to the library with 5 dependents not a complete and total waste. So I went for that option, filled out 6 forms, one for me and ALL 5 kids, then the sweet but very, very southern and veeeeeeeeery veeeeeeeeeeeeery slow librarian got to getting our cards for us.
Cue a very loud, slow, ominous clock ticking for the duration of this post.
Somewhere in this time Joe let me know he had pooped and I realized that I had no baby wipes, which is the story of my entire mom-life, but I made do with moistened TP and we kept on looking at books and I kept on begging Joseph to "please stop sprint-darting out of the kids section into the the very quiet part of the establishment" to which he responded each time with "NO" and kept running.
Roughly 30 minutes later Sally-Super-Slow Librarian was still getting the library cards and a cute little toddler started throwing a screaming fit and I had the nerve to think to myself "I am so glad that's not Joseph".
So many maniacal cackles, so little time.
10 minutes or less later Joe decided it was his turn and outshined that girl like it was his job, I should really get him into acting because, Oh! the Drama! I have no idea what it was over, and I kind of wondered whether he just saw that girl screaming and thought he'd try his hand at his own tantrum. Not that I'm blaming you little girl, but I am.
At one point he flopped on the ground and rolled over smacking his face on the leg of a chair causing the decibel levels to reach epic heights. Since I can only take so many eye rolls and stares I decided to grab our books and book it (pun alert!) to the counter even thought THEY WERE STILL WORKING ON OUR LIBRARY CARDS, but I did not care and hoped that this would just light a fire under their butts. Let it be known that a slow librarian will speed up for nothing.
As soon as I told the girls we had to leave Lucy joined in the meltdown party with her loudest cries and at that point I was herding my crying crowd out into the very center of the library where the check-out desk is and the woman was "just finishing up" the cards. We literally stood there for 10 more minutes for them to finish this process, all the while Joseph's tantrum is still going on and gaining more momentum every minute. You'd never think it of him
I finally got him to calm down by holding him, which was the only thing that was acceptable to him, and which might not seem like a big D, except that the entire time I had Fred in the mobey wrap and Joseph is approximately 30+ pounds of dead chubby boy weight, so big D it was. THEN the librarian decided to bust out 2 huge bins of toys to reward my ever-so-well-behaved brood (HA!), but the fact that Joe could only have 1 toy sent him back into a tizzy. Around this time some lady, who I assume worked there, came over and asked me if I wanted her to take him and walk him around outside, which I might have acquiesced to except that she kind of scared me, so I didn't.
Just when I thought it was all done and was trying to run out they handed me a clip board that I had to print all of our names on and sign 6 times, while holding Joe, the baby and a bunch of books, before we could leave. I think that was the only point that I might have shot an evil glare at all parties standing behind the main desk gawking, but I signed and we ran out as fast as we could as I yelled-whispered through gritted teeth that we were never EVER coming back to the library again. Not my finest moment as a mother, or a person in general for that matter.
So we all learned a valuable lesson: literacy is for chumps and 2-year-olds do not belong in libraries.