Thursday, September 15, 2016

library fugitives

The kids have been begging to go to the library for a couple of weeks now and I've been avoiding it. Here's a little confession: I hate the library.

I don't hate it outright, but I hate it with kids. I have never gone to the library with children in tow and not left feeling like I might just drive straight to a mental institution and check myself in in the hopes that they have a nursery for me tot drop the kids off at. My older kids are usually ok, but if I go with a toddler, and I always have a toddler or 2, it's a disaster. I know what you're thinking, "No, really?!? A 2-year-old  act up in a library?!". Never.

Also you might be thinking that only an idiot decides to take her FIVE kids, seven and under with the youngest being still a pretty fresh newborn, to a place that asks for relative silence. And you'd be right, I'm a straight-up idiot. I think the only way it could've gone worse is if someone defecated on the floor, but then it would've at least been a more interesting story.

This trip was really the perfect storm too because I decided to go right before the lunch/nap time slot, so right after school we had a hearty snack and around 11:15 we left, hoping we could be back by 12:45 ish and have a late lunch and have naps be a tad later. Insert some maniacal cackling here because obviously having a library trip that close to when children should be eating/sleeping is doomed to fail, and fail it did.

I discovered when I got there that on the day you get a new library card you are only allowed to check 2 items out on it (to which I mentally asked, WTF?!?!) but! If you get a new card for each and every member of your family you get 2 books for each person, making the trip to the library with 5 dependents not a complete and total waste. So I went for that option, filled out 6 forms, one for me and ALL 5 kids, then the sweet but very, very southern and veeeeeeeeery veeeeeeeeeeeeery slow librarian got to getting our cards for us.

Cue a very loud, slow, ominous clock ticking for the duration of this post.

Somewhere in this time Joe let me know he had pooped and I realized that I had no baby wipes, which is the story of my entire mom-life, but I made do with moistened TP and we kept on looking at books and I kept on begging Joseph to "please stop sprint-darting out of the kids section into the the very quiet part of the establishment" to which he responded each time with "NO" and kept running.

Roughly 30 minutes later Sally-Super-Slow Librarian was still getting the library cards and a cute little toddler started throwing a screaming fit and I had the nerve to think to myself "I am so glad that's not Joseph".

So many maniacal cackles, so little time.

10 minutes or less later Joe decided it was his turn and outshined that girl like it was his job, I should really get him into acting because, Oh! the Drama! I have no idea what it was over, and I kind of wondered whether he just saw that girl screaming and thought he'd try his hand at his own tantrum. Not that I'm blaming you little girl, but I am.

At one point he flopped on the ground and rolled over smacking his face on the leg of a chair causing the decibel levels to reach epic heights. Since I can only take so many eye rolls and stares I decided to grab our books and book it (pun alert!) to the counter even thought THEY WERE STILL WORKING ON OUR LIBRARY CARDS, but I did not care and hoped that this would just light a fire under their butts. Let it be known that a slow librarian will speed up for nothing.

As soon as I told the girls we had to leave Lucy joined in the meltdown party with her loudest cries and at that point I was herding my crying crowd out into the very center of the library where the check-out desk is and the woman was "just finishing up" the cards. We literally stood there for 10 more minutes for them to finish this process, all the while Joseph's tantrum is still going on and gaining more momentum every minute. You'd never think it of him

I finally got him to calm down by holding him, which was the only thing that was acceptable to him, and which might not seem like a big D, except that the entire time I had Fred in the mobey wrap and Joseph is approximately 30+ pounds of dead chubby boy weight, so big D it was. THEN the librarian decided to bust out 2 huge bins of toys to reward my ever-so-well-behaved brood (HA!), but the fact that Joe could only have 1 toy sent him back into a tizzy. Around this time some lady, who I assume worked there, came over and asked me if I wanted her to take him and walk him around outside, which I might have acquiesced to except that she kind of scared me, so I didn't.

Just when I thought it was all done and was trying to run out they handed me a clip board that I had to print all of our names on and sign 6 times, while holding Joe, the baby and a bunch of books, before we could leave. I think that was the only point that I might have shot an evil glare at all parties standing behind the main desk gawking, but I signed and we ran out as fast as we could as I yelled-whispered through gritted teeth that we were never EVER coming back to the library again. Not my finest moment as a mother, or a person in general for that matter.

So we all learned a valuable lesson: literacy is for chumps and 2-year-olds do not belong in libraries.


  1. Oh my gosh!! What an awful library!!

    I have to admit, though, that I steadily avoided the library in our town for 3 years because 1) my daughter could NOT handle the idea that these books weren't hers forever and ever and 2) they had this humongous display of life-sized stuffed animals that (I'm not even kidding) the kids were NOT ALLOWED TO TOUCH. Give me a break, crazy jerky librarians.

    But then we moved across the country and our new library? Our new library is so, so great. Library cards given in moments, no limit on the number of books checked out, they email you a reminder 2 days before books are due, I can renew online, the kids section is huge and in addition to a large fairy tale section, has a puppet show theatre (with puppets that can be checked out) and lots of cool toys that made of wood and vaguely educational.

    So take hope...maybe it's just THIS library that bites.

  2. Oh no! I just meant to say that I don't like the library with kids-- this is actually a really great library, and the librarian was super sweet, just suuuuper slow. It just my kids who were bad, not the library!

  3. As soon as my baby becomes mobile, all trips to the library will consist of me putting books on hold. Then my seven year old will go in and check them out while the rest of the crazies wait in the car. Once normal human behavior reacquaint itself with the youngest member of our brood, we will go back. But seriously, books on hold are the way to go.

  4. Two books- WTH? Might as well be none! And the checking out part always makes me sweat bullets when I'm there with kids. We inevitably end up with way more books than I think, so the process takes so long, and I wish that there was a place to cage the toddlers since there is NO WAY to keep the little angels right there with you while you're checking out!

  5. I used to love the library when I just had the two girls... But the boys, especially at two years old have made it a different story! Every time we have visited the library here it has been traumatizing. My two year old just runs around and pulls books off the shelves while the librarian glares at me. I can't imagine I will attempt it once I have this baby, so good for you for trying!!!

  6. Oh man they are so so SO SLOW there sometimes!! I meant to ask if you wanted to come with us some time so I could watch the kids in the play area and you could take care of business - it'll be much better next time, I promise! I always send the big kids to check out the books and stay with the little three in the play area and it usually works really well *except* that their scanner wasn't working well one day and we checked out a giant bag of books and got ready to go and then the stupid alarm started going off, so the lady had to very slowly check every single book while hugely pregnant me tried to keep Peter from running out the door and the girls fought over the water fountain... it was so, so bad.

    1. I will help, too! So you will have two adults watching ten kids!

  7. Yikes! My almost 2-year-old is a nightmare because he can pull down ALL THE THINGS in mere seconds. Our old library had a "wiggle room" with a bunch of toys where moms could chill with coffee and kids could be sort of loud. It was dreamy. Or new, much smaller town library doesn't have that but they do have super sweet librarians and liberal noise policies!

  8. I saw the Parks and Rec pic and I just wanted to add: PUNK ASS BOOK JOCKEYS! haha! I just got an overdue book notice and want to go to the library anyway, but Gemma is a runner and so drop-off window here I come. (sigh)

  9. Oh man I loved this.I have to admit to loving the library and my husband and I take our three kids every week. But that is a new development. I used to take them all by myself but then I wised up and now we tag team it. BUT. One day when I was not so wise, I had a crying baby in a carseat, a four year old throwing the most impressive and embarrassing tantrum ever (more so because he looks like a first grader and not a four year old) and the cherry on top was during all of this, while trying to check out my usual gazillion library books,my two year old peed on the stool she was standing on at the counter to look at the goldfish. I might as well have had FOOL tattooed on my face

  10. Sounds EPIC... I have resorted to taking my oldest after I pick her up from school so that leaves her and the bebe. The in betweeners are are grandma's house! The others must make do with the book selection of the 6 yr old and mine but only because I feel halfway bad for not bringing them.

  11. Ahhh man I am so sorry but I literally laughed out loud!!! Been there mama...sorry you had a crap library visit. But thanks for the post!

  12. Did you read a similar story on gshellers blog?! So funny! God bless ya!