Mike made fun of me a little when I first started this blog because of the title. He thought that it was funny to call it "Time Flies When You're having Babies" and not "Time Slows Down When You're Having Babies", mostly because of the number of days since becoming a mom that feel like the day takes years to get to the end. There have been all too many days when I have looked at the clock thinking that it has got to be at least lunch time and it is only 9:30. Then I start drinking. Kidding?
Although life has certainly gotten crazier since adding a third kid, there are still all too many days that drag like the dickens. Days where nap time cannot come fast enough and I am counting the minutes to an acceptable time to get them in their beds at night- 6 p.m. isn't too early, is it? During a recent venting session with Mike I said "I love being a mother. I HATE how hard it is".
I am constantly wanting so many moments of the day will pass quickly, especially the hard ones. I am posting this on a day where I basically threw the kids into their beds for naps, they were driving me so crazy. And I am so tired from a night of crappy sleep from babies and toddlers waking me up like someone is paying them to do so.Changing a diaper sometimes feels like I am carrying a 100lb boulder up a mountain and I just want to be done with the hard work so I can rest, have time to myself, workout, check my email, drink my coffee, whatever.
|having a blast. all of us.|
As I drove home with Lucy from Ohio after my short trip away from the 2 older girls I could not help thinking about them, getting so excited to see them. I was sad to have missed moments with them over those couple of days. I was simultaneously relishing the last moments in the car with just me and Lucy. And something happened that never happens at home during the normal day to day. I actually enjoyed the hard moments too.
Lucy really hates being in her car seat. Most of the drive there and back she cried, or more precisely, she screamed bloody murder. It was rough because I hate hearing her cry- especially when she is 1 foot from me- but also because my sister and her fiance drove me there, and my other sister drove me back, so I felt bad for them for having to hear a screaming baby, because it's even more annoying when it's not your own.
During that drive I knew that the special time I had with my little third born was about to end and I found myself trying to slow even the moments with the screaming baby down. She wasn't happy and I couldn't make her happy, so I stopped trying and just enjoyed being with her, even though she was angry and screaming.
The funny thing for me about "time flying" so fast since having kids is that it flies in retrospect. I've found myself celebrating Naomi's 1st, 2nd, 3rd and 4th, birthday and I thinking "how fast it flew, where did it go? How is she so old?" I feel in those moments, that I wish I had cherished the time more. There are many moments during my days where everything is going great, the girls are sharing and interacting well together, Lucy is playing happily on the floor or peacefully asleep and I try as hard as I can to freeze frame it- to live that moment fully, to really hold on to it and fully appreciate it all.
As I sat in the car with a screaming Lucy I was anxious, frustrated, at my wits end and enjoying it and my own words came to mind- that I hate how hard motherhood is. And I wondered whether, if I weren't such a comfort seeker and didn't run from suffering as soon as I saw it coming, whether maybe I could learn to love and hold tightly to even the rough, strenuous, taxing moments of motherhood. I wonder if I cherished those tough moments as much as I do the good ones- and thanked God for the opportunity to suffer in small ways for love of him and these little ones as much as I thank him for what a blessing they are when they are being good- whether perhaps I would not feel like time is flying too fast.
Probably not, but it's just a thought.